Baby Boo

GROWL! I think this is bullshit. I think the jurors in this case convicted a man for murder who was only (allegedly) guilt of drug dealing. Sure, drugs are bad, and I can't say he's a good guy, but a conviction for murder based entirely on the testimony of one witness (who is a paid police informant) is completely whack.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/334083_informant04.html

Seriously, I couldn't be happier to hear this news:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003814383_webboozelabel31.html

I am conflicted. I am being pulled in lots of differnet directions and I am crashing because I am scared that any decision I make will destroy my entire life. Everything is so drastic to me lately. I met a boy and I am scared to get back in a relationship. But, yay, I made it, what? Like 6 months....with no actual real boyfriend. Only imaginary ones. I think that's pretty good, gave me a break from having to deal with boyfriend drama. My goal was to stay single for 3 months and I beat it! I guess I am just an over acheiver.

But I am still feeling scared to get involved with someone. I always move too fast, get posessive and expect too much. But I really like this guy, we have fun together, we enjoy the same things, he is really friggin smart. Like, a lot. And speaks another language and is talented in a million and a half different ways. He is polite and considerate and sensitive to others' feelings. Amazing. But what I am nervous about is if I have actually built up enough self confidence to believe that I am in fact worthy of good things. I have this pattern that I do --- I find something good in my life and then I destroy it because I don't think I deserve it. I am just worried that I will do that here.

But the upside to my fears is that I can actually communicate them to him, and he listens and understands and actually responds to them in a helpful manner. I hate talking about serious issues with people. Hate it a lot. It makes me nervous and I get stomach cramps and aI get sweaty and shakey and generally just scared shitless. But after having a talk with him I actually felt somewhat less nervous than I usually do. Which is a good thing.

Thats all for now. I must shower and obtain a pink fuzzy hat.

I have been upset all day. There was a spider on the corner of a storage box and I tried to kill him because he was taunting me and then he ran into the files and now he is sitting there....plotting. I am fucking scared out of my mind.

I have been crying all day. I dont know what is wrong with me. I am wicked upset and sad and confused. I cant make any decisions without thinking that I am making a horrible choice. Even thinking about going to Spokane - I got really upset and ended up just staying here becasue I dont want to deal with anything. Except I want to write. And I want to cry until I have no more tears.

I am frustrated with living right now. It seems to me that little things cause more frustration than they should. Everyone else in the world seems more competent to handle things. I feel like I want to hide from everything. I feel like I am being dragged down into a life I dont want to be in, I want to run away but I know if I leave now, I will feel guilt later. I want to make my friends choice for them. And that is crazy because I dont usually trust my own judgment, but I know it is better than most of my friends.

I had unch with a psychiatrist today becasue he is an expert in one of our murder cases. He is very nice. He told me that he was amazed at how competent I was and how intelligent my information to him was, etc. etc. then my boss told him stories of my personal life and the doc made the comment that I was a text book. I dont know if that was in reference to my extemely rectangular body or my mental helath issues. Something to think about I suppose.

I have been blesed as of lately to have amazing people talk to me. Just randomly, on the street, at restaurants, at work, wherever. I have met some of the most interesting people in the past couple days.

Im gonna write more later. I just wanted to introduce topiscs into my brain by writing them down

I cannot seem to forget the fact that my friends are beautiful tragedies. They are so... I don't know...desperate. I love them to death, they are my world. But, I just wish that they would stop. Stop jamming needles into their veins, dragging razors across their wrists, stop being these people that I cannot help but want to take care of. I am nurturer, I suppose, by nature (ha!!!), but I wish my friends would actually respond to it instead of taking it and going about their desperation. I have been hurt before, through selfish acts, through alcohol induced snotty comments, through acts of living that do not in any way coincide with my values. But I have never been hurt more than when people do things that are so beyond self destruction. I do not even understand heroin at all. I do not understand why people stick a needle directly into their bloodstream and speed up the process of addiction. I suppose I am a hypocrite. I suppose through all my choices in life, I should be the last one saying this. But I do not understand. It makes me really sad. It makes me want to just do it myself because everyone I have ever loved deeply has been hopelessly addicted to something, and it usually turns out to be heroin. Broken promises are made and it makes me want to do the same. I guess I do not even want to try and understand anymore. Because it is always the same scenario: my friends are friends with people who use heroin. And they try it, they do not understand what all the uproar is about. And since they do not understand they try harder to comprehend by doing it again and again. And finally they understand. Finally it becomes them and they know what it is that everyone talks about and fiends for and shakes, cold and sweating and throwing up without it. And then they know and they become the people that I do not want to love. But love regardless. I am so hurt right now. I want to help but am helpless. I want to reach out and bring them back to their lives that used to be, but they are too far away. I want to cry for them, but my tears would be wasted. I want to pray but I don't know who to ask for help. I want them to stop but it is too late. For all of them. I've been way too exposed to this drug. I never touch it but it has a hold around my entire life which is the people that matter to me. It is a little bit of ridiculous and I want it to stop. Right this instant. NOW.

Other than that, I made a really cool mother's day card for mom and it makes me laugh every time I look at it. And also I want to get married. I also am really excited about seeing RENT on Sunday. I found some vegetarian chicken nuggets with broccoli and cheddar in the middle. I had my first date with my best friend last night. Spiderman is my favorite. I loved his emo look in the movie. I am going to a show on Friday -Eastern Sunz. I love it, I love the energy. The thing I am really happy about is that I got some tickets to see Citizen Cope on the 28th. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. He is amazing and I cannot even wait to go. His song Sideways is beyond everything good about music. And also Son's gonna rise tomorrow with Santana - just listen. Perfection! Actually, most of his songs are. Woohooo! Yay. Fake chicken, flamboyant boys and good music make up for all my worries!

I think that is all.

A whole freakin lot of things. Like I can drink a 6 pack of wine coolers, 2 bottles of wine and two vodka tonics (between me and another drinker) and really not be that drunk at all. Thats weird. I dont even feel a little bit buzzed, just tired.

What else did I realize?

My life isnt bad in actuality. I just had a long conversation (over bottles of wine and such) about the death of my best friends mother and a untreatable disease that will stay with him forever. In the past I didnt ever bother to ask details, partly because he was always the friend of a friend and partly because it seemed just too traumatic for anyone to deal with. And then when I finally bothered to find out it made me really sad. And hurt.. And I cried a lot and I will live differently because everything that happens now is nothing compared to living each day worried that you will die, dreaming each night that you could have saved your own mother's life.

What else?

That pizza with garlic, goat cheese, and red peppers is really good.

What else?

That it is midnight and I should go to sleep and work out tomorrow.

What else?

That Desperate Housewives is amazing and I will probably watch last night's episode again, and hence, not work out tomorrow, and hence, get really fat and live my life miserable and alone.

My life seems to be falling apart around me, and for once in my life there is not a choice I can make that would change it. I am not doing drugs, or drinking heavily,  or in an abusive relationship, or being destructive in any other way, but my friends seem to want to fill that void for me. It makes me really sad and I want the drama to stop. I want everyone around me to be happy. I smoked weed last night in honor of the eve of 420 and in the hopes it would chill me out.  I ended up freaking out and hiding under my blankets in the corner of my bed in complete silence for hours. Literally hours. And ever time my phone rang I got really scared that something horrible happened - like an overdose or a suicide attempt or something. This is ridiculous. I am really stressed out and I would take care of that through working out except that my knee is swollen. Damn you world! Damn you!

At the office we come up with theme songs for everything. FOr cases, for relationships, for people we have known, for making fun of anything we can think of. We come up with our own theme songs for ourselves also, but those change quite a bit. Pete's is Nelly's "Take a ride with me" (Smoke an L in the back of limousine). For a while mine was "I've never been to me" but I have found a new one:

All she wanted was a little bit of solid
Feels like love, it doesn't matter what you call it
Heal those cuts or hide em underneath the polish
Break another promise and take me as a hostage
Hold your job down and let the zombies crowd around
Thankin' mommy's god that it's a cop's town
Keep it safe for me while I chase a fantasy
Swerving through the galaxy, searching for a family
Happily surrounded by planets and stars
She was stuck uptown, you was landing on Mars
It's all fucked up now, caught your hand in the jar
Another small step back for the man at the bar
Spill a little bit of blood on the street
For the love that goes to those who they drink too much
And hold your own glass up to the heavens
Take a little time and try to count the seconds

It goes, pour me another, so I could forget you now
Pour me another, so I could come let you down
Pour me another, so I can remember how
True that I am to this addiction of you

Drink it all away, numb it down to none
Stay awake tonight and wait for the sun
You say you hate your life, you ain't the only one
Let your frustration out the gate and watch the pony run
One double, for the hunger and the struggle
Two for the fool trying to pull apart the puzzle
Three now I smile while I wait for your rebuttle
By the fourth shot, I'm just another child in a bubble
Trying to play with the passion and the placement
Just to see what these people let him get away with
Still trying to climb a mountain for you
Hammer in my hand, still pounding on a screw
She don't listen so he don't speak no more
Nobody's winning 'cause neither is keeping score
Don't wanna think no more, just let me drink some more
Pour me another, cause I can still see the floor

Live life tipsy, Still if it don't fit right with me
Kiss me whiskey, lift my lips, press to my angel
Swallow it and leave her empty bottle on the table
Let the past fall, making faces at that clock on the back wall
Countdown to the last call, ask all these people that make sounds
"How long does it take for the pace to break down"
Another lonely little trophy
If only I could walk a straight line, I'd make it home free
And everybody in this bar thinks they know me
And my story like "poor me" (yea, pour me another homie)
I can count the days 'til you come back
Or I can follow them sunrays down to the traintracks
I can stumble drunk over hope and love
Or I could keep drinking until I sober up (hey waitress)

Bottles and pints, and shots and cans
Couches and floors, and drunk best friends
Models and whores, and tattooed hands
Cities and secrets and cats and vans
Good times, laughter, bad decisions
Strippers and actors, and average musicians
Mornings after and walks of shame
They bartender knows me by my real name
Sing it